[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

[E90SLAM]

Stewie and Brian: Get out of the car! Get out from the F*CKING car! GET OUT!

...
...

Brian: Did we just carjack a guy?
Stewie: Yes we did Brian, yes we did...

[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin [slowly]: I was raped.
Lois Griffin [chuckles]: What?
Peter Griffin: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin [chuckles harder]: W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for a man your age.
Peter Griffin: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! [runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fucking idiot.

[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter Griffin: What?
Doctor [revealing comic he was reading]: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter Griffin: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois Griffin: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
Lois Griffin: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

[E90SLAM]

Originally Posted by Crimson92

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin [slowly]: I was raped.
Lois Griffin [chuckles]: What?
Peter Griffin: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin [chuckles harder]: W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for a man your age.
Peter Griffin: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! [runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fucking idiot.

[E90SLAM]

LMAO!!!

[Crimson92]

Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.

[E90SLAM]

Random woman in Quagmire's bed: "Glen honey, I got a question for you... What do you do for a living?"
Quagmire: "I've got a question for you... Why are you still here?"

[Crimson92]

Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.
Peter Griffin

[Crimson92]

Originally Posted by E90SLAM

Random woman in Quagmire's bed: "Glen honey, I got a question for you... What do you do for a living?"
Quagmire: "I've got a question for you... Why are you still here?"

[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.
Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green...
Brian Griffin: Those are colors.

[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you talking about?

[Crimson92]

Peter Griffin: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

[E90SLAM]

Brian: Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois Griffin: Hehehe...that's me.
Peter Griffin: You dirty hustler.
Lois Griffin: Hehehehe...
Peter Griffin: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
Lois Griffin: Aha, ok I get it...
Peter Griffin: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
Lois Griffin: Alright, that's enough!

[Crimson92]

Peter Griffin: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life.
Guy: OH MY GOD!
Peter Griffin: No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead.

[E90SLAM]

Originally Posted by Crimson92

Peter Griffin: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA......

[Crimson92]

[Narrating his life] I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Lois knocks Peter out.] I woke several hours later in a daze.

[E90SLAM]

Death: see, this is why i don't like clothes shopping, i have no ass, i minus an ass!

[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: Oh my God! [runs off crying]

[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: Peter tell Chris that women are not objects!
Peter Griffin: Your mother's right Chris, listen to what it says.

[Crimson92]

Lois Griffin: Peter, why are we stopped?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois Griffin: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter Griffin: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.