[obert]

Thanks for all the advice!

[sspade]

As someone who has recently gone through a similar situation...


Make a deal amicably between yourselves. No lawyers.

Work yourself the best deal and bounce. Thats it. If you choose to go to war - you will lose. I can almost guarantee that. You have to fight your battles in other ways.


I ended up with a 50/50 split on home equity as well. You'll be fine if you play your cards right.

[obert]

Originally Posted by sspade

As someone who has recently gone through a similar situation...


Make a deal amicably between yourselves. No lawyers.

Work yourself the best deal and bounce. Thats it. If you choose to go to war - you will lose. I can almost guarantee that. You have to fight your battles in other ways.


I ended up with a 50/50 split on home equity as well. You'll be fine if you play your cards right.

This is my hope and thanks. A lawyer is really out of the question.

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by obert

Honestly I am very embarrassed even trying to talk about this because of how badly I have backed myself into a corner

Could be worse. You could have moved half way around the world to absolute shitty weather and a dour city, know your wife is crazy, don't bail when you had the chance, have kids which amps up the crazy/cuntish factor by 1,000X and face the prospect of living with this shit or getting out and watching some other schmuck raise your two boys.

Chin up motherfucker, there's always a bigger dickhead than you.

[Rmtt]

I really feel for you man.

My situation worked out on it's own. My ex started dating an alcoholic although he and she didn't believe he was. He lived next door to us, went through his own divorce, and then started filling her head about all the things I told him I did while away on business trips although I never talked about anything with him.

All it took was a Private Investigator getting me a video of them being together all the time, and one of him outside one day when he was off work drinking all day long as he kept his beer in the garage. The nail in the coffin was him then driving over to the school to pick up his kids and my daughter as well.

I walked out of that with custody of my daughter. Told her she could keep the house and any equity, but had a quit claim signed to get my name off of it.

I didn't want child support...just wanted all of my savings and retirement to be safe. She agreed to everything as long as I let her have our daughter 2 weekends a month.

So I was granted a divorce for adultery on her part, and walked away with my daughter a free man.

I feel the same as the others on here. Even if it means a loss, you need to get out of this as soon as you can. Kill her with kindness especially if you can work out a deal concerning child support that you can put in writing.

In my state if the court decides....the man is pretty much screwed. But if you have your own deal put together they typically will let you go by that. But I have seen women go back after their ex's saying they signed something while under duress....so the courts still got involved.

But in your case with it being going on this long..I don't think you would have to worry about that.

[obert]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

Could be worse. You could have moved half way around the world to absolute shitty weather and a dour city, know your wife is crazy, don't bail when you had the chance, have kids which amps up the crazy/cuntish factor by 1,000X and face the prospect of living with this shit or getting out and watching some other schmuck raise your two boys.

Chin up motherfucker, there's always a bigger dickhead than you.

Fun fact...............her new man is Uncle Wally from her brothers wife's side of the family.

[Gr-Racing]

Originally Posted by obert

Fun fact...............her new man is Uncle Wally from her brothers wife's side of the family.

not uncle wally
fuck wally he's doing you a favor , now go buy that new wife

[obert]

Originally Posted by Rmtt

I really feel for you man.

My situation worked out on it's own. My ex started dating an alcoholic although he and she didn't believe he was. He lived next door to us, went through his own divorce, and then started filling her head about all the things I told him I did while away on business trips although I never talked about anything with him.

All it took was a Private Investigator getting me a video of them being together all the time, and one of him outside one day when he was off work drinking all day long as he kept his beer in the garage. The nail in the coffin was him then driving over to the school to pick up his kids and my daughter as well.

I walked out of that with custody of my daughter. Told her she could keep the house and any equity, but had a quit claim signed to get my name off of it.

I didn't want child support...just wanted all of my savings and retirement to be safe. She agreed to everything as long as I let her have our daughter 2 weekends a month.

So I was granted a divorce for adultery on her part, and walked away with my daughter a free man.

I feel the same as the others on here. Even if it means a loss, you need to get out of this as soon as you can. Kill her with kindness especially if you can work out a deal concerning child support that you can put in writing.

In my state if the court decides....the man is pretty much screwed. But if you have your own deal put together they typically will let you go by that. But I have seen women go back after their ex's saying they signed something while under duress....so the courts still got involved.

But in your case with it being going on this long..I don't think you would have to worry about that.

I have my daughter every weekend so that is great. Friday night through Sunday night. She left my retirement alone and unfortunately in Washington state you can not get a divorce unless the courts calculate how much you will pay in child support. But we agreed that I would pay her what ever is needed with out the state just deducting it from my checks.

[obert]

Originally Posted by Gr-Racing

not uncle wally
fuck wally he's doing you a favor , now go buy that new wife

He has fallen into the same trap that I did. He is fixing up the house and doing all the yard work while she sits inside doing nothing. It will not last

Plus he is keeping the value of the house up so I don't have to.

[obert]

I know things could me much worse but when you have no control over certain parts of your life that you feel could easily be fix it makes you go crazy

I am grateful but also extremely frustrated.

[upstatedoc]

This will make you feel better: PM me regarding what I'm paying my ex in child support/maintenance

[Joekerr]

I'm just going to leave this story here OP...perhaps it may help you. Perhaps you've even read it before. It amused me.



According to someone who knows someone who knows someone, a recently divorced woman had to give up her home and all its furnishings as part of her divorce settlement. She packed her personal belongings into boxes, garment bags and suitcases. Then, she sat down for a farewell meal in what had once been her happy home. She put candles on the dining room table, soft music on the CD player, and laid out a feast of shrimp, caviar and champagne.

When she had finished, she walked around her home for one last time. She went into each and every room and focused on the happy memories. And then she deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. Then she cleaned up the kitchen, put her things into a U-Haul and left.

The next day, her ex-husband and his new girlfriend moved into the home. All was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. They moved out for a few days while exterminators set off gas canisters. They replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, the local real estate agents would not return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to buy a new place.

The ex-wife called her ex-husband and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the smelly house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to buy the house, even though it obviously had some kind of a problem. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was a 10th of what the house had been worth -- but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. Including the curtain rods.





OP - If you could get into the house unattended for a little while....hmm?

[obert]

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

This will make you feel better: PM me regarding what I'm paying my ex in child support/maintenance

I totally disagree forced child support.

As long as the other parent is active in the kids life and pays for half of what the kid needs minus rent/mortgage then why force it. I know there could be certain situations that there could be a need for help with housing cost. My statement is going off everything is basically equal between both parties.



I know this is a loaded statement

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by Joekerr

I'm just going to leave this story here OP...perhaps it may help you. Perhaps you've even read it before. It amused me.



According to someone who knows someone who knows someone, a recently divorced woman had to give up her home and all its furnishings as part of her divorce settlement. She packed her personal belongings into boxes, garment bags and suitcases. Then, she sat down for a farewell meal in what had once been her happy home. She put candles on the dining room table, soft music on the CD player, and laid out a feast of shrimp, caviar and champagne.

When she had finished, she walked around her home for one last time. She went into each and every room and focused on the happy memories. And then she deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. Then she cleaned up the kitchen, put her things into a U-Haul and left.

The next day, her ex-husband and his new girlfriend moved into the home. All was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. They moved out for a few days while exterminators set off gas canisters. They replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, the local real estate agents would not return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to buy a new place.

The ex-wife called her ex-husband and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the smelly house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to buy the house, even though it obviously had some kind of a problem. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was a 10th of what the house had been worth -- but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. Including the curtain rods.





OP - If you could get into the house unattended for a little while....hmm?

Notes were taken here.

[UncleWede]

Stories like this remind me of just how lucky I was when the first wife left me. No house, no kids, she signed whatever my lawyer (dad) put in front of her. She kept the station wagon and I got the Jeep, which she continued to pay on for about 18 months before politely asking me to take over, which I did.

If I see her at eh bank where she removed herself yet still left the employee perks attached, I give her a hug.

[bimmer456]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

Stories like this remind me of just how lucky I was when the first wife left me. No house, no kids, she signed whatever my lawyer (dad) put in front of her. She kept the station wagon and I got the Jeep, which she continued to pay on for about 18 months before politely asking me to take over, which I did.

If I see her at eh bank where she removed herself yet still left the employee perks attached, I give her a hug.

That sounds like an awesome ex. Like Jeff Bezos' x

[Rmtt]

Originally Posted by obert

I know things could me much worse but when you have no control over certain parts of your life that you feel could easily be fix it makes you go crazy

I am grateful but also extremely frustrated.

One bright side....you won't have to worry about alimony.

It's a tough situation, but try and just stay focused on the most important thing which is your daughter.

That was my biggest effort....shielding her from as much as I could to minimize any impact she felt. I tried to be the one constant thing in her life that she could count on and knew wouldn't change.

And even though she is an adult now, I never spoke any negative words about her mother around her.

Didn't need to anyway as she figured that all out for herself.

[obert]

Originally Posted by Rmtt

One bright side....you won't have to worry about alimony.

It's a tough situation, but try and just stay focused on the most important thing which is your daughter.

That was my biggest effort....shielding her from as much as I could to minimize any impact she felt. I tried to be the one constant thing in her life that she could count on and knew wouldn't change.

And even though she is an adult now, I never spoke any negative words about her mother around her.

Didn't need to anyway as she figured that all out for herself.

I agree and I feel the same and I never ask anything about her mom and I never talk bad about her mom around her.

One thing we agree on most of the time is our daughter.

[obert]

Just an update.

We have both agreed to sit down together and talk about all of this house stuff and child support. We have done this at least twice now. Any talking points or suggestions on what we need to discuss? I know all this should be done in court but we are trying to avoid all of that.

[Grumpy Old Man]

Originally Posted by obert

He has fallen into the same trap that I did. He is fixing up the house and doing all the yard work while she sits inside doing nothing. It will not last

Plus he is keeping the value of the house up so I don't have to.

It's funny how some folks fall into repetitive situations. My second ex-wife goes through this 8 year cycle that always ends up the same way, she starts an affair behind the current guy's back, and then moves him out to move in with the new guy. She always treats the current guy great and he never sees it coming. This has been going on with her since she was in her early 20's and she's just done it again and in her late 50's.

I got shared custody of my kids and no child support, I wanted to work it out on our own. I had a lawyer friend who gave me advice on how to do that and we did until she decided that she was entitled to more. We went to war, and she got a lot less than she wanted. No child support, no spousal support and we both blew threw about $30K in legal fees. She ended up stiffing her lawyer for most of what she owed. My legal fees were high, but my boy was 7 at the time and she wanted $1600/month so in the long run I got out cheap.

The only winners are the lawyers.

[Grumpy Old Man]

Originally Posted by obert

Just an update.

We have both agreed to sit down together and talk about all of this house stuff and child support. We have done this at least twice now. Any talking points or suggestions on what we need to discuss? I know all this should be done in court but we are trying to avoid all of that.

In Ontario we have mediators and companies that do the mediation. They are very helpful and most courts won't even hear a case in Ontario if you haven't attempted mediation first. If there is tension they will often put you in seperate rooms and act as a go between. This can keep the tension and emotion out of the equation.

I'd suggest that you go into what ever negotiations you end up doing with a bottom line in mind, and be willing to go a bit farther. Know what youre absolutely not willing to give up and keep in mind that any settlement that you can negotiate will be cheaper in the long run than if lawyers get involved. If you have retirement savings or a pension try to keep that as that is your safety net.

[obert]

Originally Posted by Grumpy Old Man

In Ontario we have mediators and companies that do the mediation. They are very helpful and most courts won't even hear a case in Ontario if you haven't attempted mediation first. If there is tension they will often put you in seperate rooms and act as a go between. This can keep the tension and emotion out of the equation.

I'd suggest that you go into what ever negotiations you end up doing with a bottom line in mind, and be willing to go a bit farther. Know what youre absolutely not willing to give up and keep in mind that any settlement that you can negotiate will be cheaper in the long run than if lawyers get involved. If you have retirement savings or a pension try to keep that as that is your safety net.

I will look into this!

The divorce is already final so these talks we will have are about moving along that is already in the divorce.

There is no time line in the divorce on when she needs to cash me out or sell the home