[Zirenz2006]

Did you hear about the boat who went to school?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
...He was in a class with all his piers!

[Year's_End]

wow...

[Zirenz2006]

Did you hear about the kid who wanted to be a plumber?



His parents said it was a pipe dream.

[wuufer001]

Originally Posted by Comet

yah me neither.. what's the punch line?

+1

[Kensta335]

That pink ping pong ball joke is actually a prank. There is no actual punch line. The poster himself is laughing at the people saying "I din't get it"

[wuufer001]

Originally Posted by Kensta335

That pink ping pong ball joke is actually a prank. There is no actual punch line. The poster himself is laughing at the people saying "I din't get it"

[Comet]

it's funner to laugh with everyone than alone behind ur screen and thought u are just a retard that somehow bypassed the chinese firewall

[Ryan335]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged
me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day I went to pick up the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car

[Kensta335]

^^ read that one a hundred times.

[Kroy]

Originally Posted by Kensta335

^^ read that one a hundred times.

it's old, but it's a classic

[Ryan335]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
so I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[Kensta335]

Originally Posted by Ryan335

The National Poetry Contest had come down to the last two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
so I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

[Dan in PA]

Originally Posted by shimshimhada

So there was this kid, he was in the 6th grade, and started doing poorly in school. Desparate, his dad offers to buy him anything he wants, as long as he gets good grades. The kid figures, ok. So he gets straight As that year. The father Honours his word, and offers to buy him whatever he wants. The son says, he wants 1 pink ping pong ball. Kind of a strange request ponders the father, but regardless, he gets it for him.

In 7th grade, the Father offers his son the exact same deal, get good grades, and anything you want is yours (his dad is super wealthy, think Bill Gates). So the son gets straight A's again. Again the father asks him what he would like. This time, the kid wants 2 pink ping pong balls. At this point the father is a bit wierded out, but whatever, as long as the kid is succeeding.

Same deal in the 8th grade. As long as he has good grades, he gets whatever he wants. And again the kid gets straight A's. And once again the father informs him that he will get him ANYTHIGN he wants, anything in the world. The kid requests, a pack (containing 3) pink ping pong balls. Somewhat distraught by this request but nevertheless, the father gets his son what he wants.

High school comes around, the father figures, his son will be exposed to more people now, maybe his hormones will be raging, and he might take interest in girls etc. 9th grade, kid gets straight A's, and again the father offers him ANYTHING at all. The kid asks for 2 packs of 3 pink ping pong balls each. At this point the dad is thinking his son is out of his fucking mind, but if all the kid wants are pink ping pong balls, then wtf, its cheap. So he gets it for him.

10th grade, same deal. Kid gets straight A's, and again the father asks his son what he wants as a reward. This time he begs his son, telling him he will get him ANYTHING at ALL, just no more pink ping pong balls, the son asks for a garbage bag of pink ping pong balls. But what can he do? He promised him anything he wanted, and this is what he wants, so he got it for him.

11th Grade. Again the kid gets straight A's, and AGAIN the father offers him anything he wants as reward, and this time the kid asks for 2 garbage bags full of pink ping pong balls. The father gets it for him, not much he can do, at least its keeping him motivated.

12th Grade, again same thing, straight A student, graduating Valedictorian, father offers him anything in the world, and the kid asks, for a garbage truck full of pink ping pong balls.

So the kid goes off to med school. On his first year there, he got aids and died.

[Ryan335]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided
to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, 'OK, take off all
your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw
reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. 'Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf
sex or dates.'
The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[dr.jay]

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?



She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

[boymonkey]

Originally Posted by Ryan335

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided
to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, 'OK, take off all
your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw
reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. 'Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf
sex or dates.'
The woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

[Ryan335]

Obama's healthcare:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs
to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town... If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[335fourdoor]

^^^^ good one!!!

[Scorpion]

Originally Posted by Dan in PA

Hahahaha

[CIGARGUY]

There are now proper medical terms for sex change operations....

Female to male.....Addadiktome

Male to Female.....Chopadikoffame

[yppah]

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

[SIEN]

Old one but one of my favourites:

"Why men are not agony aunts"

*****

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


**************************


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville